Why boundaries are key for successful relationships

We love absorbing new information and now with social media and the internet in general, the flow is constant. However, we rarely pause to question the meaning behind what we read. For example, the concept of setting relationship boundaries came up during a talk I gave a few weeks ago. This is one of those familiar buzzwords that gets thrown around but not many people truly grasp the importance of setting and enforcing boundaries.

What even is a boundary? A good place to start looking for an answer is usually the dictionary (the Cambridge version in this case) which defines a boundary as: "the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour."

In my experience coaching clients and teams, most people do not know how to set boundaries nor (equally as importantly) know how to enforce them. This causes them stress and puts a strain on their personal and professional relationships. The stress comes from feeling overwhelmed but also from the resentment one feels when we say yes when we really want to say no. 

Why is it so hard to set clear boundaries? Mainly because of fear – we fear that by enforcing a boundary (by saying no to someone) we will lose a relationship, might offend that person, or even just experience a bit of awkwardness. It is also hard to set and enforce boundaries because many of us haven't considered what are our core values. Your core values are your compass and help you decide what are your negotiables and non-negotiables. For example, if your core values are work/life balance and freedom then it will be easier for you to enforce boundaries that would stop you from a spontaneous adventure; you will act according to your core values and that alignment will bring you contentment.

You will never lose a worthwhile relationship by enforcing your boundaries. In fact, enforcing boundaries is one of the best ways to clean your network of any energy vampires and sponges. Your remaining relationships will invigorate you and your yeses will be much more powerful and reliable. 

What about the awkwardness? Sometimes this can be so overwhelming that you come up with some crazy excuse even after doing the hard part of saying no. This is a natural reflex but, unless you are a sociopath, you will feel awkward lying. The best ways to set boundaries is to state your position clearly or simply saying no. So here are some useful sentences that you can use:

1. I’m sorry I can't make it

2. I am so honoured you thought of me, but I cannot commit to this

3. I have so much on my plate that I am afraid I will have to say no

Remember, saying yes when you want to say no is self-betrayal. Not setting strong boundaries will erode your sense of self and will turn you into a resentful bitter person. Say yes to yourself, you won't regret it.